One of the life lessons I’ve learned is to appreciate the people around me, because sometimes there is no distance between life and death. It is so true that we do not appreciate what we had until we lost them, and we don’t know how confusing it is when love and angry them also. Indeed, I have never understood until my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was 80 years old, who had watched me grow up and taken care of me when I was a little girl.
Import and export agricultural was not an easy job, therefore my parents were so busy with their work, and they didn’t have enough time for me, that’s why I spent whole my childhood lived with my grandma. I remembered when I saw her picture when she was young that my grandfather put in the shelf, she was a beautiful girl, and had glistening eyes like the water in the autumn, I really impressed. She had a kind and gentle smile which makes people want to talk to her when they see her. When she grew old, she was also hale and hearty. Because she always woke up at 4am, had couple minutes exercise before went to the church.
She had a gorgeous long pepper and salt hair that everyone praised. In addition, she had a good voice that can wake me up every morning to go to church with her, I liked her smell is so fresh, and comfortable like green tea. She would like to sit on the chair in front of the door with my grandfather and read magazine. She cooked many nutritious, tasty meal for family, and always asked me eat two bowls of rice for each meal. She also helped me to take a shower every evening. I liked to use shampoo and made bubbles in my hair, that’s why she called me “Bubbles princess”.
She took care of me from each meal when I went to bed with some pieces of legend stories. She had a small garden with a lot of roses and also planted some vegetables. Sometimes, I went to the fields with her, and followed her to caught crabs and fishing. After that, we always had a good dinner with what we collected whole day. I was so happy and excited when I had chance to caught crabs. It was so amazing time when I tried to run around the fields and caught them. I never forget that one time a crab bit me in my finger, it was hurt and bleeding, and I stood there and cried out loud.
My grandma used a “magic leaf” that I did not know the name is, she chew it and put on my finger. Immediately, I did not feel any pain or blood. I remembered that she always waited for me coming home from school every day with some candies which I was really into at that time. Sometimes, she made some cookies and they were like a prize when I show I was a good girl, studied hard, don’t cry, don’t go out for long time. She took care of me from head to toe. As I grow older, I started to hate the way that she treated me. This was a bad day for me and her. I went out with some friends who are my neighborhood.
We came to the stream and had a beautiful Sunday with a mini picnic by ourselves. We brought some cake, candies, soft drink and played some games. All my friends knew how to climb the tree. Actually, they can climb as fast as the monkey. They always climb to the top and pluck some fruits, and then they throw it for me. I just sat on the flat and wait for food. It was not funny. I wanted to climb and got fruits by myself. They were willing to teach me. At that day, this was the first time I climb to the tree. At that moment, I did not know that I scare the high, I looked back I felt sick, I wanted to vomit.
I got scare and fall down. I had to go to the hospital because I got wounded in my knee. Our mini picnic was cancelled, and it became a bad Sunday ever. I remembered when I woke up, I saw my grandma sat near me. She dared not to let my parents know about my accident. She just cried and shouted me, she said “I had to stay at home from now on, went to school and stayed home”. I still kept silent and cried, not because my knee hurt, I got angry and I knew I lost my freedom already. I felt like I had no freedom when she always asked me what, where, and when I went out and came back home.
It was kind of annoying to me. One day when I came home from school and saw her standing there waiting for me, which I did not expected, I was very angry and had a big argument with her. I yelled at her and told her that I was not still a little girl and that I did not need her anymore. She, at that time, said nothing but went into her room. The next morning, I woke up early and went to school without saying anything to her as if I hadn’t made any mistakes. I moved to live with my parents when I was 9 years old. I came to visit my grandparents twice per month.
I missed my grandma a lot but still angry because I had a long time stay at home without friends. I was a kid and thought everything negative after my accident. Nowadays, sometimes I think I hate my family, not my parents; I hate my grandma, all my uncles and aunts. When I was in high school, my grandfather died, I cried a lot and felt lost a big part in my heart. Although, my grandma took care of me, I lived with them and love my grandfather either. At that time, my uncles and aunts wanted to own the land. They wanted my grandma divided the land and gave them a part that they own.
My parents refused to receive a part of land from my grandma, but they still fighting and blaming that why my parents did not get it. So ridiculous! My grandma did not make them calm, she defended for my uncles and blamed for my parents. What happened? It was a big question in my head and I totally hate her. How I can balance my feelings? I love her, I love all the moments I lived with her, I remembered all the memories that we spent together; however, she always shouted and treated unfair with my parents. I can’t stand these feelings anymore and I got angry.
It was so confusing when you love someone and get depressed them also. I still drove my brothers to visit her twice a month. I did not talk to her, just sat there and walked around the garden. Sometimes, I came to cemetery to pray with my grandfather and I thought if he still lives with us, everything will be better. In the summer of 2011, my parents made a decision to support me to study abroad in the State. I was depressed that I had to leave the place where I grew up, but at the same time I was glad that there would be no annoying grandmother there, and I, of course would enjoy my freedom.
At the airport, on the day that I was leaving, she told me to take care of myself when I get there. It was the first time that I saw her cry. I wanted to cry too when I saw the tears streaming down her face, but I turned my head away and did not even say good bye to her. She said: Alright, now I have to say goodbye to you. You know what? You are going to come to another country that nobody can take care of you, accpet you. You have to do everything by yourself. Fighting, I always support you. Keep warm when it cold and if you get sick, make a cup of ginger tea, it’s helpful to keep you avoid the cold. Ok. I know what I should do.
Thanks grandma. Good bye! I did not want to cry, and I went straight into the airport. I thought she cried a lot. I really wanted to give her last big hug, but it seems like has an invisible wall between us, I cannot do that for the last time. In the State, since I was busy all the time with study and parties. I did not call home to her even though I heard from my parents that she became really sick after I had left. I thought she would get better soon, and really didn’t care about her too much. I would never forget the cold day on December, 2011 when my parents called to inform me that my beloved grandmother had passed away.
I could not tell you exactly what I felt. I could not stop myself from crying. Yes, I was really torn and blamed it all on myself. Nearly two years had passed, since the day she’s gone. I burst into tears, every time I look at her pictures. There are a lot of “If only” in my mind. If only I had a chance to send her my apology for the argument because it was all my faults. If only I hugged her at the airport and told her how much thankful I feel to have her as my grandma. Above of all, if only I could tell her, “I love you so very much, my wonderful grandma. ”